Adventures of an Insomniac Part One

When you suck at sleeping, you write. When you suck at writing, you write anyways because you figure an internet challenged noob will stumble upon your blog eventually and fall madly in love with it and consequently, with you and then all will be well with the world. Here's to hoping. FINGERS CROSSED. Just kidding about the whole finding a boyfriend thing but for real, when you can't sleep and your mind's just thinking all this random nonsense, I thought it could potentially be interesting to scribble some of it down. (Upon re-reading this I discovered it's not, but by all means, carry on).

SIDENOTE: The "t" key is not working up to i_'s normal standards righ_ now and it's really bugging me because I have _o push it ex_remely hard and I am not mentally or physically prepared enough for this battle. I will try extra hard just for you potential future husband, boyfriend, friend, blog stalker, sad soul who accidentally ended up here.

First random late-night thought first... the ability to talk to ourselves is so strange. So many of you (or not because no one reads this) just rolled your eyes and said, "you're actually crazy." Um okay sassy, shush for a second and hear me out...  I am not talking about the kind of talking to yourself that occurs out loud. I am talking about the kind that happens inside your own mind. In your head, how you plan out what you will say, write, do. I am writing this in my head before I put it on here. I'm speaking it but only I can hear it. There's an actual voice inside my head and I am semi-crazy but haven't been committed yet so I'm hoping others have this voice too. Why is talking in your head called thinking? If my brain just asked itself that, why doesn't it know the answer? Have I taken one too many hits to the head? Yes. Well it answered that one almost instantaneously. Great. Part of my own brain waged war upon the part of my brain that thought it would be a good idea to write this post. I don't know which side to cheer for.

For me and maybe a few others of us, it's easy to forget that your mind can be your own worst enemy. The brain is only as smart as you let it become. Sometimes it will fight you. Sometimes it'll win and make you think lowly of yourself for absolutely no good reason. Retaliating isn't the answer to many things in this life but in this case, it's necessary. You can't let your mind determine everything you do. Your heart deserves some say. But that, my friends, is for another late night rambling that will hopefully never happen again.

I am now accepting donations towards NyQuil, getting me a CT scan, or a tempurpedic bed. Goodnight.

Tomorrow is Today.

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." This might be the most comforting quote I have ever heard. I'm not sure who says it and even if the author was the most hated person on this earth, this would still probably be my favorite quote. My family has this saying hanging on a sign in our kitchen. Most days I would walk by it without so much as a second glance or even a passing thought. But on nights like tonight where my brain is in overdrive and won't stop thinking, I can hear the quote. There's something about it that is so inexplicably calming to me and if I even think about it a wave of relief consumes me. It slows my thoughts down to a manageable pace and I just feel better.

Scotland 2012

I'm not one to worry constantly about my future or where I'm going in life but that doesn't mean I never think about how my friends all already know what they want to major in and do for a living and have plans. I feel like I put myself behind because I didn't think about this enough when I was younger. All I have ever been is a dreamer. And I know I'm not the only one. When it came to actually doing things, I think I thought they would happen if they should and they wouldn't if they shouldn't. Most of the time I still think that way and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Typically I try to leave things up to God but sometimes I can't help but hear Him say, "Gee, I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting on Alexis' life and she's gotta start pulling her own weight sooner or later."

I love telling myself that He has a plan for my life and everything will work itself out. Doesn't mean I don't worry that it won't. This is where the quote comes in handy. Before I get too down on myself or feel too defeated, I read it. Everyone needs something like it to look to. Find a quote and take it in, soak it up, breathe it out, and go. If you want to change the world right now, go. If that means you're going to get your crazy intelligent friends together and figure out a cure for cancer, snaps for you. If it means that you're going to buy yourself the toiletpaper that you've needed since last week, kudos, disgusting sir. We interpret these sayings in different ways and that's ultimately the cause of our effects. What will force you to become the best you you can possibly be? Discover that and you've already won. It's undoubtedly the scariest and most exhausting part, but the journey up until that discovery is literally what we are all living for. Who are you going to be tomorrow? 

Awkward Alexis Edition 1

Life really is hilarious sometimes. I don’t know about you guys but I chuckle at the dumb things I do, strange things that happen to me, and awkward things I encounter, almost constantly. Makes me think that the big man upstairs does have quite the sense of humor. That or I did something really terrible years ago and the karma is still making its rounds. Who knows.  Not me.

On a daily basis I can come up with numerous occasions that I make a fool out of myself. Some of these stories that I will share may seem dumb and not noteworthy but I assure you if you were in my shoes, your face would be red with embarrassment probably permanently. Good thing it takes a lot to make me blush. Let’s begin with yesterday.

It’s the beginning of the semester and so it was my first time going to my television production class. I was super excited because I am so intrigued by the entertainment industry lately, not quite sure why. I’m guessing it’s because I feel as if my life is secretly being recording and I’ve been getting Punk’d since birth. Anyway, I was very excited to go to this class however, it was after my soccer practice and so I was napping and didn’t realize until 5:16 that my class was at 5:30 and I had no idea where the room was.

I vroom vroom beeched it over to the building and scurried to a directory map, which first of all, is kind of embarrassing in of itself because I am not a freshman. Oops. I searched feverishly for the room 1942 but all of the classrooms were in the 1500s. Good sign. It was now quite close to 5:30 and I had remembered reading on the syllabus the professor emailed us that he hated when people were late. Oops again. I finally found 1942 and the map showed that it was basically outside in it’s own little building. I didn’t really understand but hit the ground running.

I took a little jog down the hallway and was about to exit the building in defeat before I turned to my left and saw a sign with an arrow saying “TV Studio” Yesssssssssssssssssssssss. I really did want to go to the class and now I didn’t feel completely stupid. That was until I walked through the first door and discovered this wasn’t my class but in reality advisers’ offices and a weird production room. I put my head down and plowed through following the signs until I basically fell into the studio that doubled as my classroom. It was smushed full with people I didn’t know. Of course they were all staring at me because the leather arms on my letterman jacket kept whacking the expensive equipment in the room as I tried to squeeze my way into a tiny desk. I caused a scene and find that ironically appropriate that it happened on a TV set.  

When I was finally seated and kind of feeling accomplished for making it there only a few minutes late and nothing too embarrassing had happened, my professor asked me to come to the front of the room to sign in. FIRST OF ALL, why is this necessary there’s like 20 kids in the class? The lazy bum that seems to be my stunt double thought, “dude just call out our names and waste the class time for real.” When I was feeling motivated enough I got up and strolled to the front of the room like the cool kid I wish I was. Upon signing my autograph and pretending I was famous, I turned around and realized my jeans were loose and my fly was down.

Already Awkward Little Lex

In that situation there’s nothing you can do. If you try to make it look like you’re just scratching there people get all weirded out and scoot away for fear you have some disease but if you just straight up go for the fly everyone notices. I chose the latter and there were some snickers. If nothing else, I gave someone a laugh and no one will forget my name. Holla, Almost Famous, Holla. Making it one embarrassing moment at a time.

This is just one uncomfortable moment that I am using to demonstrate how weird happenings surround me. I have many more stories to tell from throughout my 19 years of existence and I can’t wait to encounter more awkward circumstances. I’ll keep ya weirdos posted so you can all live vicariously through me and maybe avoid some of the embarrassment that I experience. You’re welcome.

VROOM VROOM BEECHES

Writing is something that I’ve never particularly liked to do. Ironic that I now have a blog where it is kind of mandatory to write. I think I like this kind of writing because it’s on my own terms. No word limit, no topic, and no due date. I can write to you like I am right now, or never again, there is no clock chained against my blog.

So many things today have a time limit on them. Allegedly it’s bad to eat Cheetos that are 2 years old. A few years back I ate those expired cheese puffs from my friend Elise’s pantry and I’M STILL ALIVE, PEOPLE.  Now I’m not saying eating expired foods is always a good idea because expired yogurt is nasty. Yes, I am speaking from experience again. That was not a strawberry chunk… that was mold. HOWEVER I AM STILL BREATHING YET AGAIN. Anyways that’s beside the point.

Deadlines in life are there for different reasons. To scare the crap out of you if it’s a big project, to make you bums actually do something productive with your life, and to just get things done in a timely manner. Deadlines are awful.  In some cases they are completely necessary such as for schoolwork because of the limited amount of days. But for other things they can seem so final and so abrupt.

They try to tell me that since this time has passed I can’t do something anymore. They create ridiculous expectations that shouldn’t be there such as “I should be married by 23 and have a family by 25.” DUMB. I mean, if that was completely your idea then fine, but if you just feel that you need to do this and achieve this by this time because society told you to, I feel bad for you. I see that as a sad conformity.  (This video is me as a young child showing that you have more fun dancing on your own schedule during a recital... at least until you get yelled at.)

We live on our own timetables. We’re not born at the same time; we mature at different speeds, and learn various things. Why should we listen to the same deadlines if in every other aspect of timing in our lives we aren’t at the same stage? Mario won’t jump to lap two of Mario Kart just because Yoshi got there. Clocks try to tie us down and in many ways we let them. However if we refuse to meet deadlines society sets for us, (except for those in school and work ya lazies), we will be able to live more freely and happily. 

Time is a gift. It does run out for each individual eventually and we need to quit shaking the hourglass.