People always say your job teaches you things... worthwhile things that you'll need in the real world. Things like timeliness, honesty, how to deal with coworkers, good work ethic, etc. I don't think these people considered those who work at a zoo. We learn those things AND a whole bunch of other useless stuff as well. Let's concentrate on the useless stuff just for good measure because really, no one came to my blog for a lecture, but if you did, I'm glad you're here but I'm not a parent or a professor so you can just go to your room...?
USELESS STUFF IS MY PRIDE AND JOY. Useless stuff is the fun stuff. The stuff you don't need to know but is usually somehow the saving grace in times of weird struggles. For example, had I not learned how to use a trash compactor, how could I ever be expected to properly work a garbage disposal in my own sink. Pushing a button, flicking a switch, it's basically the same concept, INCREDIBLE. You all can pick your jaws up from the floor but prepare for them to be dropped again... Had I not learned how to squeegee the monkey's glass, how could I ever have known how to properly clean my windshield while waiting for my car's gas tank to be full? Yeah, you don't even know! What about this one, had I not learned how to sweep empty capri suns into my dustpan, how could I ever become a substantial housewife?! Without this job I would be half the cavewoman I am today! While I am poking fun at my place of work, I really do enjoy the zoo and all the lessons(?) it has taught me. The complete list of what I have learned thus far is as follows and is subject to additions by the end of my employment.. so next week...
1. If you are wearing a zoo uniform of any kind, people expect you to know all the animals' names, weights, types of fur, what country they hail from, why they're not moving, etc. I really just pick up trash, people.
2. If a visitor asks you where a certain animal is, you can point in any general direction and get them to leave you alone.
3. Kids often like to alert you of an animal they believe to be dead or dying. Little girl, the bird was under the rock because you scared it not because it was injured. Also, the baby vulture was not eaten by it's parents as initially reported to me by the Lemon Ice stand boy.
4. Lost children don't like being lost.
5. Parents of lost children don't seem to mind as much.
6. Pregnant women like to show their fetuses animals that they cannot yet see.
7. Cleaning a zoo is about as much fun as it sounds.
8. The things behind "keep out/employee only" signs aren't as cool and secretive as I once thought.
9. Kids love to rub their greasy hands all over glass surfaces.
10. People often only miss the trash can by a slim margin yet don't follow through on the effort.
11. The elephants dislike people as much as me and sometimes toss tires at them for good measure.
12. People often ask extremely intelligent questions such as, while leaning on a bathroom sign, "where is the nearest restroom?" or whilst standing in the cafe, "where can I get some food around here?"
13. Children are infatuated with the rolling trash bins, and no I do not give rides. For free.
14. Code for vomit is 1055.
15. Baru, the 17ft crocodile is the biggest diva we have at the zoo besides myself. He refuses to eat the food he is given because he used to eat whole cows when he lived in Australia. Tough luck, bro, this ain't no Gold Coast.
16. When your boss calls and wakes you up when you oversleep, the response "I must've worked too hard yesterday." only works the first time.
17. There are only so many supply closets to hide in.
18. Calling yourself "garbage girl" or a "garbitch" doesn't make you any more popular with your coworkers.
19. Grown men sometimes have accidents and STILL refuse to ask for help. Sir, you left a trail of your fecal matter at the zoo, let's set your ego aside for a quick second while you go change your pants.
20. It's hot out in the summer.
If you wish to learn more about the zoo... you can go zoo yourself. Zoo many zoo jokes.
Please go work there yourself because I'm pretty much over it by this point. Or just watch my instagram videos: http://instagram.com/atice18
